Author Topic: Feeling Lost  (Read 4185 times)


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Feeling Lost
« on: July 30, 2009, 05:39:39 AM »
I lost my sister when I was 13 years old and she was 8. She died from an aneurysm in school, it was completely out of the blue.
She was the first dead body I had ever seen, I changed after that. I was very angry for a very long time, I used to believe in God so I blamed him. I studied Theology at college and when I thought about these things logically I realised there was no point in being angry at something that clearly did not exist. Since then I have felt numb and cold. When my sister died I would walk out of the room if my mum was crying.
Five years later my best friends sister also died, she had been friends with my sister and brother, they were in the same class. She and her family were like family, so when she died it was devastating. I was older then as were my friends who supported me when my sister died, we took over the funeral arrangements the wake everything, as the adults had fallen apart. She was the second dead body I had ever seen, she had been knocked down on her way to school so all her injuries were external, half her face had gone.
In the years that have followed I felt lost and have had no direction in my life, I have had so many jobs I can't even count them all. I went to uni and got my degree but suffered from depression whilst I was there.
I don't understand why I can't seem to live a normal life like everyone else but every time I do so I find a way to mess things up. I feel like this is not my life, that it is a film I am watching but not actually living... Does this make sense?
I realise this is all connected with the loss of my sister but I am 27 years old now and I really am broken and I don't know how to fix myself. Friends have recommended I see a shrink but I don't think it will help as I know what the cause is I just can't seem to find a cure.
« Last Edit: July 30, 2009, 05:46:58 AM by Katg »