Author Topic: does time really heal all wounds  (Read 8870 times)

daddysgirl717

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does time really heal all wounds
« on: September 16, 2008, 01:10:19 PM »
On Jan 16, 2007 my dad died and it has changed my life forever.  I grew up with divorced parents and lived my with dad until the age of 14.  My dad and I were very close so when he passed away I felt like my whole world was crashing.  My father was truck driver and on Jan 7, 2007 I had recieved a phone call from him telling me that he was in an accident and he was in the hospital.  The next morning I drove up to NY with my grandparents.  My father was released with 4 broken ribs and we were able to bring him back home to PA.  I took him back to my grandparents, which is where he lived when he was not on the road driving.  I told him that I loved him and that I would see him the next morning, then I went home.  The next morning, I arrived at my grandparents.  They told me that my dad was still asleep.  I went into his room, he was snoring funny and when I tried to wake him he would not respond to me.  My grandmother called 911, 3 ambulances showed up and a firetruck.  He was rushed to a nearby hospital.  My father had suffered multiple strokes during his sleep and when I had found him that morning he was in acoma.  I spent a week with him in the hospital as they ran multiple tests.  The outcome was not good.  I was told he would most likely never wake up.  I asked God for a miracle, all I wanted was for my dad to be ok.  Doctors told me that if a miracle was to happen my dad would wake up, but he would have to live the rest of his life in a nursing home not being able to talk and that he would never be the same person i knew ever again, that was only if I would get a miracle.  On Jan 16th I had to make the hardest decision of my life and I was only 25 years old.  I talked with my family and decided to take my dad off life support, I signed papers for him to go to Hospice.  After they took him off the life support, the doctor called me back and explained that my dad was not going to make it to the Hospice and they did not want him to die in the ambulance.  The told me I could sit with him and talk to him until would pass.  I asked how I would know when he was gone. They said, you'll just know.  I sat wih my dad before the rest of my family came in.  I saw him take his very last breath and I knew he was gone.  It's been 1 year and 9 months today.  I still cry almost everyday, mostly when I go to sleep at night because before I go to sleep I talk to my dad and ask him to visit me in my dreams.  When my dad was in the hospital a chaplain came to talk to me and he said that he believed that our souls meet in our dreams and that in my dreams I could hug my dad again and I could talk to him and he would talk back to me.  I have held onto that belief.  Life has not been easy without him.  Whenever I was in trouble or I needed help or support I always had my dad to turn to.  He used to say to me, Kid we're both gonna make mistakes in life but as long as we stick together we'll be ok.  Now when Im in trouble or I need help or support I feel like I have no one to turn to.  Yes I have alot of people who love me and care about me but it's not the same.  I can talk about my dad but I hold all my feelings about the situation inside and I know that it's not healthy but I don't have anyone to talk to, not anyone who knows my pain.  I try to act strong on the outside, mostly for my grandmother.  I feel that she needs me to be strong for her.  Not only did she lose her son, my dad, but less than 7 months later she lost her husband, my grandfather.  I have noticed that if I am sad in front of her then she will break down and cry but if I am strong she looks at me with a smile on her face, knowing that together we will be ok.  My grandmother and I were always very close but we now have a bond because we can feel each others pain and heartache.  I guess why I am writing this is because I know I need someone to talk to and I have no where else to turn.  They say time heals all wounds, well i have still havent even began to heal

daddys lil one

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Re: does time really heal all wounds
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2008, 01:42:45 PM »
Wow - as I sat and read your story, I felt so many things you feel.  I lost my Daddy July 31 2008 and since his death I am reeling with the sense of who am I.  I too, was the one who no matter what, turned to my Daddy for everything. When I felt the pressure of my career, or the trouble within my marriage - it was my Daddy that gave me the strength to keep up the fight within myself.  He was so proud of my son, his grandson.  I had 3 miscarriages before my son was born and my Daddy just loved him with all his heart. When he died, my son's picture was placed in my Daddy's suit pocket so he would always have his grandson with him.  This is something my Daddy did on his own as he prepared his own funeral arramgements with my step-mother.  You see, my daddy was diagnosed with lung cancer in July 2001. I was pregnant at the time and due to give birth in August so my Daddy would not tell me as he was afraid I would go int early labor.  When I found out, I was just devasted....  I lost my Mother to lung cancer in 1988, so to have to go through this again 20 years later was too much on me.  With my Daddy's passing the claws and jealosuy have surfaced - my Step-Mother has disowned me as well as my son.  That hurts the worst because my son is having a hard enough time dealing with his Pop-Pop being gone but now his grandma does not want him.....  Does time heal, I wuld say no!!! At 42 years old, I have always considered myself to be strong - I have been through a divorce, and my husband has been unfaithful to me, but even with all of that I am able to find the inner strength and with my Daddy I was definately able to make sense of everything with his guidance. Now, I am lost!!!  I am starting counseling this week because I am unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope that you are ble to find your light as well. And if you need to vent I am here because I do understand!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Raindrop

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Re: does time really heal all wounds
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2010, 09:25:34 PM »
daddysgirl717 and daddys lil one I am so sorry for your losses.

daddysgirl717, I can relate to several points in your post, especially the part about not having anyone to talk to.

My mother died about two years ago, and that loss not only hit me pretty hard, but the almost total lack of support has shocked me and made me angry, and I have to work at not being bitter about it.

Several months after my mother died, I had to move to a new state.

Even though my extended family in my new location knows of my ordeal (I have other issues besides the death of my mother I'm dealing with), these people still do not phone or e-mail me to see how I am doing!

(I even told a couple of them on the phone late last year,
"Hey, I'm isolated, alone, have no body to turn to since Mom died, I could sure use a phone call from you once every three months,"
and they still do not phone me. I cannot believe people are so selfish and indifferent to people's heartbreaks and suffering they can't be bothered to send the occasional "How are you coping?" e-mail.)

And these extended family members of mine don't have any legitimate excuses for avoiding me.

All of them have lots of money, most of them are retired (hence they have plenty of free time), and they're all in good health.

In other words, there ain't nothing keeping any of these aunts, uncles, and cousins from picking up a stinking phone and calling me once every several months.

Quote
I try to act strong on the outside, mostly for my grandmother.  I feel that she needs me to be strong for her.  Not only did she lose her son, my dad, but less than 7 months later she lost her husband, my grandfather.  I have noticed that if I am sad in front of her then she will break down and cry but if I am strong she looks at me with a smile on her face, knowing that together we will be ok.
It bothers me that you feel you have to keep your feelings pent up or pretend you feel okay when you do not. I don't believe it's healthy.

I understand you wanting to be considerate of your grandma, but she's older than you, so you should be able to share with her, even if it makes her cry.

If your grandma truly cares about you, then she should be willing to listen to you pour your concerns out.

For your grandma to be one-sided (to be blunt, it sounds selfish to me) like that bothers me.

Apparently, your grandma wants to be able to fall apart around you but seems unwilling to be a "rock" when YOU need to fall apart. That isn't right, IMO.

I was in a similar situation with one of my older siblings (my big sister, let's say her name is "Mary").

After our mother died, Mary became even more cranky and bitter than usual.

There were times after our mom died for the first year and a half that Mary would start yelling insults and very mean things at me, and I did nothing to justify that behavior or bring it out in her.

Mary also wanted to use me as a sounding board during that time frame.

If she wasn't biting my head off just to bite it off because she's angry and bitter at life and our mom being dead, she wanted to gripe and complain at me about her job, her boss, and her crummy boyfriend.

Mary didn't seem to care in the least that I was suffering too, that I had my own issues I was dealing with.

She wanted me to listen to her heartache but was not willing to listen to mine.

Anytime I tried sharing my struggles with her, she would not be empathetic but would get critical, mean, or judgmental, so I stopped sharing.

But my sister (who is several years my senior so she should know better) would still phone me up expecting me to listen to her in a non-judgmental, sympathetic way to her problems. The selfishness and double standard astounds me.

Anyway. If you still need to talk to someone....

Some churches provide free grief counseling services, if you're interested.

If you do a web search for Grief Share.org, they have a search feature on their site where you can type in your zip code and look up local churches in your area that are offering the free grief services.

Grief Share.org is a Christian-based organization, so if you're not a Christian, that aspect may not be appealing to you, I don't know.

Even if you're not a Christian and despite the fact they are dealing with the topic of death from a Christian view, you might find some of their classes or material helpful.

About the old cliche of "time healing all wounds." To an extent, it is kind of true, but not totally.

As time goes by, you'll find the pain is suppressed on some days, or not as strong as it is initially after your loss.

But the pain and sense of loss never completely go away 100%. You'll probably just find that some days are not as painful as others.

You might have a day or two where you actually are able to laugh, enjoy doing something, or where you don't dwell on or think about your departed family member as much, if at all.

(Of course, about three years have passed since you first posted this (back in 2007) so I'd imagine you've already discovered much of this on your own by now, but I'm thinking if someone new drops by, maybe this will help them.)
« Last Edit: September 14, 2010, 09:34:31 PM by Raindrop »

DaddysGirl303

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Re: does time really heal all wounds
« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2010, 08:08:39 PM »
OMG!
I cannot believe that I found this post.  I recently lost my father to Liver Cancer.  On May 21st, my whole world fell apart, when my young dad passed away.  I am adult only-child and my dad and I had a bond that I thought was soo unique, until I read this post.  I am seeking help to cope with the loss of my daddy.  I've tried one-on-one counseling-no help, I am trying to find the right support group and stumble across this sight and am grateful.  I think this is what I need to hear and talk to someone who knows what I am going through.   
My father was diagnosed with Liver Cancer Jan. 28th, 2010 at the age of 60, tried treatment but was unsuccessful,  admit ed to the hospital beginning of March and never returned home. I was fortunate enough to be able to take FMLA from work and be with my father at his bedside literally every day and night.  I am also married and have two kids.  I feel like I abandoned my family to be with my daddy, but I felt as if there was no other person that needed me more than my daddy.  My husband stepped up and in essence became a single father while I was away at the hospital, only coming home on average, every 3-4 days to shower and get more clothes.  I was with him up until the moment of his death.  I thought I had prepared myself, but NOTHING can prepare a daddy's girl for loosing one of the most important man in their lives!  My heart physically hurts with pain and emptiness.  I cry all the time and don't know how to deal with my emotions.  I have two extremely active children in sports (11 and 13 yrs old) and it seems as though when I am busy with them, I am ok.  I can even talk about my daddy without crying.  But the moment that I am alone, awful thoughts of my dad's final days race through my mind.  I can't get the bad memories and visuals out of my head.  I have tons of great memories, but they are not what come to mind.   I hope that time will allow me to suppress the bad memories and replace them with the good.  Nice to be able to share.  Well, my kids are needing me right now, so I better go for now. I would love to be able to continue dialogue later.  Thank you for sharing Daddy's Girl 717, it has helped me.

Charmie

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Re: does time really heal all wounds
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2011, 06:49:51 AM »
Today is my dad's 'd-day' anniversary.  22 years ago today I lost him.  I was 12  years old and there are some years where I don't think too much about him but then some years it feels as fresh as the day it happened.

I had my first child this past year - Isabella who is not almost 9 months old and I know how much my dad would have loved her and it breaks my heart.

My mom and I just don't get along.  We never really have.  But it's so much worse since I got married and had Izzy.  She is so hurtful and manipulative that I have decided to have VERY LITTLE contact with her and all that does it make me realize how much I miss my dad especially on the anniversary of his death.

toyalwys1975

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Re: does time really heal all wounds
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2011, 10:34:12 PM »
Is there really an answer? . . . I was sad when my parents died, but I did not grieve to your extent . . . so I cannot speak from experience . . . but I can relate to a broken heart and a tortured soul . . . something that I still carry after two years . . . I don't have an answer, but this is just a dialogue to you and I want to share what I have been discovering . . . can one have a tortured soul and still have joy . . . there are passions and creativity that have emerged that, I don't think, would have emerged if life when on as usual . . . I can be incredibly sad at times and often it results in tears . . . and I'm a guy . . . but here is the funny thing . . .  I don't want this sadness to totally go away because of the passion and creativity that has emerged . . . I write poetry, sing, write, and the best of these emerge when my heart feels the most broken . . . don't get me wrong . . . I don't want people to feel sorry for me or am I looking for sympathy . . . in fact, I keep my broken heart to my self . . . so those close to me don't see it . . . I have, at least for now,  come to the conclusion that there will be a "Cloud of Sadness" over my head for the rest of my life . . . Once again, is that so terrible . . . I think it is if we are so depressed that we cannot function at all . . . but that is not my case . . . Americans want to fix things . . . but does everything need fixing . . . once again, I would love to hear from you and anyone else on this . . . to close, "A rose's rarest essence lives in the thorn!"